WHY I CAN NEVER FORGIVE

Eroma  ’Ruona Paul-mark

I was in JSS 3 when it happened. And as all true stories begin- Once upon a time…… Jide, who was a young privileged boy came to our school and as tradition would have it, every new member of Zik secondary schools must be greeted and welcomed by classmates. I was not feeling well so I didn’t go to greet Jide upon arrival. And that was the starting point of our fracas.

The precursory signals were somewhat uncertain. Jide had developed a jaundiced view about me because I never acceded or subscribed to his ideologies. So our relationship was really on the ropes.  We had a tiff but settled almost instantly….or so I thought. Until he evidenced it, I never really thought he was that vicious! On that fateful Thursday afternoon, we were in the class judiciously doing the classwork given to us by our fine art teacher when Jide loomed my desk and requested I gave him my water glue. I fervidly repudiated because I knew he was up to no good. He persisted and each time assuming a more pugnacious nature. I didn’t know what came over him. It ensued so fast I couldn’t escape Jide. I could not make any gist of the scenario. My eyes were literarily on fire! Jide had collected the water glue and emptied it in my eyes and I could hear his voice saying “I told you I would get you”. After series of sluicing with water, we discovered my eyelids were glued together and my iris was already affected. The optician had endorsed 3 major operations, two of which had to be done abroad. I was going sightless!

In the midst of all these morass, Jide, in his usual slackness came with his parents to offer monetary apologies to my parents but I averred that I would never forgive Jide. He was not even contrite. The procedures ultimately recorded successes but 15 years later I still remember, every time I pick up my bifocals to wear, every day I see the lens, I remember the hurt, the pains I felt, I remember Jide’s voice echo in my ears “I would get you”. I thought I was vindicated to keep the pains, to hold Jide in contempt but all that came to me was “why must I keep these thoughts” I thought I had forgiven Jide a long time ago, but I needed to let go, I needed to painfully forgive him. Yes! I forgave him although have never forgotten.

During and after the episode, I could not help but cogitate on the true nature of forgiveness. This led me to change my axiom about Jide from “never” to “I must forgive”. Forgiveness I learnt was the source and the rock of those who share their lives, to forgive and forgive and forgive and be forgiven just as many times. It is the cement that binds us together. It is the source of unity. It is the quality of love that draws togetherness out of separation. Forgiveness is understanding and holding the pains of another; it is compassion. It is the recognition of our own brokenness, our own weakness, our propensities to falter; it is a revelation of our human nature.

Forgiveness is letting go of unrealistic expectations of others and a wish that they be more than they are. Forgiveness is liberating others to be themselves, not making them feel guilty for what may have been. Forgiveness is to help people flower, bear fruit and discover their own beauty. Forgiveness does not need the drama of tears and emotional hugging. It is a simple gesture, signifying that we are together, part of the one body, called Jesus, in a covenant with one another.

Forgiveness is peace-making, struggling to create unity to build one body, to heal the broken body of humanity and our community. Most pertinently, forgiveness is to follow Jesus to be like him for he came to give and forgive and to take from the shoulders of people the yoke of guilt that locks them into a prison of sadness and sterility and prevents them from flowing and living freely. At the heart of Jesus’s message is his commandment “love your enemies and pray for those who hate you, pray for those who curse you”.

Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that you can do for your physiology and your spirituality. Yet, it remains one of the least attractive things to us, largely because our egos rule so unequivocally. To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is alright, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness. I thought it was enough for Jide. Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behavior that caused the wounds. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, it is an act of strength, and it is a sign of self-love, when you forgive, you find peace, and most importantly, if you forgive you will be forgiven.

Jesus points out that it is easy to love those who love us, we do not need a special strength or love for that. But by ourselves it is awkward to love our enemies. Our natural instinct is to defend ourselves either to attack or to run away. But with the gift of his spirit, Jesus leads us along the path of peace-making. Before being a mandate, the words: “love your enemies……” are a promise: I will give you my spirit to do what you cannot do by yourself, I will teach you compassion, how to love and forgive those who hurt you, who criticize you behind you, who abandon you, those who stifle you, who slap you in the face. And as we enjoy the mammoth benefits of the year of mercy, we are called to be merciful like the father. We have the onus to reevaluate our conclusions on matters that would require us to let go and let love rule us. Yes! Forgiveness is not impossible and with Jesus, the impossible becomes possible, even forgiving the person who almost made you blind and eyeless becomes effortlessly possible!

                                                                                                                                          Let love reign    

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